I Love My Husband

I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God grants,
I shall but love thee better after death!!
From the poem “How Do I Love Thee” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Since we’d been living overseas, I’d been returning to Toronto in the summers to look after my parents. In one of those times, I overheard my parents while I hung out in their room. My mother (then at the beginnings of her Alzheimer’s) said, “What am I going to do with my head? What if I can no longer remember you?” My father then said, “You can forget everything, just don’t forget me.”

Years later, as her sickness progressed, it became very apparent that she had forgotten most things and most people (including us, her children). At one of her neurologist’s check-up, she was asked the same questions from the years before: “Where are you? What day is it? What is the month? What city are you in? What is this (holding a pen)? What is it used for?” And for the last question, my mother motioned with her hand that it was for writing. The word “writing” wouldn’t come to her. The doctor then wrote the word “BLINK” on a piece of paper and asked her to do it. She did so.

As I watched, I was very relieved that she was able to do at least one thing correctly! Then, the doctor asked her to write a sentence. It seemed like we all held our breaths. My father, their caregiver, and I, waited to see what she wrote. Finally, she held out her paper to the doctor who asked her to read her work. She smiled and proudly said, “I love my husband.”

I treasured that memory in my heart. I actually cried while there. I understood the significance that although she had forgotten most things (including how to eat!), she remembered the most important thing to her: love. In their 50th Wedding Anniversary album she dedicated the poem above to my father. She said it best described her love for him. It was as if she knew she would die first. Had she kept living, they would have celebrated their 64th Wedding Anniversary on September 12th.

“Moments of Peace for the Morning” by Bethany House says that “if you love others, God – the source of love – lives in you. The more you practice His unfailing love, the more His presence is perfected in you. The blessing of love is twofold. Love others, and not only will your love grow, but God – the spring from which all love flows – will show Himself more powerfully within you.”

And that was what was evident in my mother; her love for God, my father, us - her children, grandchildren, flowers, music, cleanliness and order, their church, teaching, studying, etc.

So, although much can be said about her, I wrote of her love. She was next in line for EARIST’s (an institute of Science and Technology in Manila) presidency and she loved her job dearly but she quit it to be with us in Canada. She said she loved her family more. By then, she was the Vice President of the university and Dean of its Graduate School.

She also wrote of her thankfulness to God for His countless blessings and for being the giver of gifts and lives well lived. She desired for us to have the same happiness she had.

I never knew until she died, half of what she did and accomplished. She lived her life well. I will remember most of all how she swayed us as she had her arm around my shoulders while I played the piano. It was a joy to be with her as she sang with gusto to the music. Then, she kissed me, thanked me, and told me she loved me. Thank you, Lord, that you shared her with us. It is comforting to know that she is with you and basking in your love.

Liwayway (Lily) Nora Angeles (Nanay)
March 10, 1924 – September 9, 2012

May the Lord make your love for each other and for everyone else grow by leaps and bounds. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 CEV

The Departure Date

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.
Job 1:21b

“Do you understand what the song is about?” I asked Ethan as I drove us to school. We were just singing along to the song “Blessings” by Laura Story which had recently become his favorite. He’d complain to me whenever I played the CD over and over but never when that song was on. In response to my question, he said when bad things happen; they can actually be God’s blessings. I agreed with him and further added that at times when we pray and don’t get what we ask for, it's because God has something better in mind. That’s what He does and gives to us. Little did I know that just two hours later, I would find out some grave news which would make the song just uncannily perfect as a comforting reminder.

After arriving at school, our oldest son phoned and said my mother had fallen down the stairs and was in the hospital. She was not doing well with some bleeding in her brain. An hour later, another call came through saying she was in a coma. Following that by just five minutes, a final call informed us that she had just passed away.

The photo above was taken last year when my father turned 90 years old. My mother was then 87 years old.

Death is so very much a part of our lives but there is just no way to prepare for it. I had long told myself that living overseas as a missionary would most likely mean receiving a call such as the one I just took. Still, in spite the necessary expectation, the shock predominated. In just a few hours, I’ll be on a flight to go back to Toronto to be with my siblings and father. It hasn’t even been 12 hours since I found out.

Thank you for praying. Our family values it greatly. My father loved my mother very much (we all did!) and made sacrifices daily to take care of her. She’s had Alzheimer’s for at least 8 years and in all that time he never spent a day apart from her. He lived to care and pray for her. Please pray for him specifically as he deals with his loss and consider what his future plans will be.

I had a very busy week-end but I managed to get away for my monthly quiet time from Saturday afternoon to yesterday afternoon. I thought I needed that to pray and prepare my mind for my online course which started today. I knew I would be busy in the weeks ahead and needed to be rooted in the Lord. I was just sharing at a meeting that my times away were what kept me sane and not burned out from all I’ve been through in the last few years. I had friends I always shared and prayed with. Yet, it was my times with Papa God that sustained me. It wasn't so much my pouring out my heart and woes to Him that helped me. It was His pouring His love and affirmation in me that truly ministered and satisfied my soul. And it was coming out of that connectedness with Him that I received the news today. The timing couldn’t have been any better. First, He loved on me, then the news. He knows that coming out of our time together, I would feel that I can handle and do anything! So yes, I am grieving, but, I am so grateful for my Lord who loves me and helps me.

Today, I just felt so ministered to by those around me. I was hugged, prayed for, loved, fed, listened to, considered, helped, and asked to leave so I could do what I needed to do. I was awed. We serve a great, big God. What won’t He do for us? I even received a sympathy card with a butterfly on it. Yes, Lord, I see! Thank you! Please see previous post, “Transformed”, for more information. I just love the Lord and His ways!

I’m ending with an inspirational thought with the title above. It's from Max Lucado’s book “Grace for the Moment vol. II” for September 9th, the date my mother died. A friend handed the book to me just as I was leaving the school. =)

You, as all God’s children, live one final breath from your own funeral.
The day you die is better than the day you are born. (Eccles. 7:1 NLT)
Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward reaction to funerals. Angels watch body burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. They can’t wait to see the new arrival. We don’t grieve when babies enter the world. The hosts of heaven don’t weep when we leave it.

Transformed

Through You, I can do anything
I can do all things, ‘cause it’s You who gives me strength
Nothing is impossible
From the song “Nothing is Impossible” by Planetshakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGYAkjPukOo

Thursday nights and early Sunday mornings are the times when we practice as a worship team before playing during the service. Usually, the list of songs is emailed by Tuesday so we can individually practice with our instruments ahead of time. Due to computer problems, I only found out what we were playing on the way to church on Thursday. I play by ear so I have to be familiar with a song to have an idea how to play it. There was no time for me to practice, let alone hear (thru YouTube) how a new song played. Thankfully, my singer friend repeatedly sang the unfamiliar song to me as I drove us.

I sounded awful when we practiced together. I knew I had to practice some more on my own, and did! Unfortunately, trying to practice without playing the melody – which was how my right hand knew how to naturally play(!) – wasn’t easy. I tried to play using the chord variations but it didn’t sound right. Worse of all, I couldn’t worship because I was trying to figure out how to play!

On Sunday, as we finished practicing before the service, our team leader told me I should just play the chord and hold it down. I wasn’t to allow my fingers to go up and down the keys (playing arpeggio). I asked if he meant for just the intro of the songs but he said for each chord I played. Immediately, I knew I had to re-learn a new way of playing and just minutes before the service started! Playing the melody was what I naturally did. Playing arpeggio was how I naturally played! When I prayed before the service started, I knew I needed a LOT of help! I knew I could play as he asked but it was no longer anywhere near how I liked to play and it certainly wasn’t as fun. Most of all, I was disturbed because I knew I had to pay attention to the new way I was supposed to play and would have an even harder time worshipping! Still, I was determined to obey. When we started, I tried as best I could to play as he asked.

I don’t think I succeeded the whole time but I knew I tried as well as I could, in the time I was given to get used to playing that way (which was none). I surprised myself that I worshipped anyway. In my heart, the Lord deserved it regardless that I thought I didn’t sound right nor good. And that’s when the butterfly flew in the sanctuary. We were singing the lines above and it started to fly towards us in the front. It fluttered here and there just in front of the stage and I thought I imagined it. I didn’t! I smiled broadly when one child loudly said, “Look, a butterfly!”

The last time I was mesmerized by a flying butterfly was six years ago as the school’s principal asked me to consider teaching first grade for a semester. As I listened to her, the custodian opened the door of the classroom we were in and in flew the butterfly with him. I stopped hearing her because my mind was completely baffled that a butterfly would fly inside that second floor room, at that perfect time, as a new direction in my life was being offered to me. And it happened again in the sanctuary. In both places, I’d not seen any butterfly fly in before, nor after. Those times were firsts!

Almost 20 years ago, I received a prophetic word and I was likened to a butterfly. I remember because I wrote down what she said and kept it. Since then, butterflies in general, and butterfly sightings in particular, fascinated me. They’d flutter by me and one even landed on my finger! One came from a nearby island, danced this way and that, and then flew back the way it came. I was sitting by the edge of the water on the beach and saw the whole thing. I was trying to write on my journal what I was hearing from God and there it was. =) The Lord’s delight in flying form!

I know that I was like a caterpillar transformed into a butterfly. The Lord changed me, taught me, and helped me to be a new person. He brings about changes like being able to play the keyboard at church and then exaggerates the point by flying in a real one. He is so amazing!

And, as I sat there listening to the preaching, all of a sudden, the pastor said, “It doesn’t matter that our musicians cannot play well so long as they can take us to the presence of God.” I might have wondered if I really heard that but Eng was then pressing my hand and making sure I knew it was a word for me. I don’t know what else to say. We have an amazingly fascinating God. There is no end to His surprises!

I’m not gonna live by what I see
I’m not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You’re here with me
And I know that You can do anything!

Stepping Out

“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus.
Matthew 14:29

This morning, I played the electric keyboard at church for the very first time. I was part of the worship team that led the singing for the morning’s service. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun while playing the piano or keyboard. I’d been playing for years (mostly on my own) but nothing beats the way worship was, today. For years, I’d also known that I’d be playing just like I did but I just didn’t know exactly when and where. It finally happened at today’s service and I am overjoyed.

Before we became missionaries, Eng and I used to attend Friday night prayer times at our friends’ house just two streets away from where we lived. This goes way back to the early 90s. One night, I received prophetic prayers. My hands were held out in front of me (as I postured myself to receive) and my eyes were closed. Our prayer leader rested his fingers on my left palm and continued to pray. Involuntarily, my left hand suddenly started to go up and shake uncontrollably! This went on for a few seconds until the shaking slowed and stopped and my hand finally descended on my lap. Because I was being prayed for, it never occurred to me to stop my hand. I probably could have stopped it from shaking but I didn't want to. Far from frightening me, the experience excited me. It seemed like my mind was just a second or two away from what was going on. By the time it began to sink in my brain that my hand was shaking by itself, it stopped. Then, as the thought began to form in my head, “What about my right hand?” there it was, already shaking and doing exactly what my other hand did. When my right hand finally rested on my other lap, the first and only thing I could think of was, “Now, I know, I can play.” I knew the Lord, through the Holy Spirit, touched my hands and made them shake. I also knew I could then begin to play the piano. Up until then, I’d always played the same pieces that I’d memorized by rote (like the theme song from “The Sting”). In my life, I might have had a summer or two of piano lessons but that was it. I enjoyed playing however, so I used to finger the melody of songs with my right hand. I never knew how to play and what to do with my left hand until that time of prayer. After that night, the same prayer leader taught me about chords and so I did begin to play with both hands.

For the next 20+ years, I played mostly at home and hardly ever publicly. I didn’t have the nerve to play anywhere else! I didn’t think I was good enough to play with trained people. It was only because I was here on my own over the summer and had more free time that I thought I’d give it a try and find out if I could play at church. Last Thursday, I attended the worship practice and I struggled. I actually wondered if they’d fire me for not playing well enough. =) They asked me not to play the melody with my right hand but that’s all it knew to do since childhood! I was in trouble and frustrated. This morning, our pastor actually talked about how it is in the frustrating environments that we are more fruitful. He said faith takes us beyond where we’re comfortable to a new place. In the passage above, Peter left his place of comfort to a new type of shaky surface. But yes, he couldn’t stand on the water until he was off the boat! I didn't realize it but from Thursday onwards, as I practiced and trained my right hand to play a variation of the chords instead of the melody, it was new territory for me. And playing at church was also my actual stepping out to a new environment. In both cases, I’m glad I, in effect, stepped off the boat and stood on the water. I would not have known the joy and exhilaration of playing and worshipping with a crowd of people. What a thrill it is!

This morning, I also woke up to a line of a song that repeatedly played in my head. It was “He (the Lord) shall reign forever.” When I heard it, I knew the Lord was going to reign over the whole worship time. I knew I could be confident that it’ll turn out well because how else would it be if He was the one reigning? He’s too good to let it be otherwise. And this was affirmed by what the pastor said that our confidence should not be on the journey but on the living God. Yes!

Thank you, Lord, for the new challenges you gave me and that you actually prompted me to “Come.” Amen to that. Bless you!

Giving’s Reward

…we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Acts 20:35

I was asked to share a story about our kids and when I prayed about it, this was the one that came to mind. It happened when we were still working in the south of the Philippines over a decade ago. May it bless and encourage you. =)

“Are you sharing your other lollipop?” is what I asked 7 year old Eric since he had two pieces and neither of his two brothers had any. We just finished our lunch and I wondered what our two sons would do with their treats. Eric said, “No, I’m not. It wouldn't be fair since one (brother) would get one (lollipop) while the other wouldn't.” I was a bit surprised with his answer but carried on, “What about you, Eli, are you sharing your candies?” He had three candies while 10 year old Evan had none and Eric had his two suckers. Almost 5 years old, Eli quickly responded with, “No, I wouldn't, because Eric would end up with way more than me!”

As their mother, I was befuddled. I thought I always taught them to share what they had but it obviously didn't work. I considered forcing them to share but I truly wanted them to do that out of their own volition. Not wanting to waste a teaching moment, I opted to tell them a story. I told them of the 4-5 year old Muslim kids that I taught in pre-school. My kids knew they were poor and didn't own much since they’d seen them and had been to the little nipa hut that housed our school. For a peso (a few cents worth), we served snacks to the students since several came to school hungry. The children didn't eat to their heart’s content. They usually were only given a snack packet of biscuits or a piece of bread with their drink. Yet more than once, I saw two of my students keep the rest of their snack after one bite. Concerned that they didn't like their snacks,I asked them why they didn't eat them. They said they wanted to bring it home and share it with their little siblings. My heart broke when I heard their reason. I hoped it would have the same effect on my sons regarding their sharing. I said nothing further to them.

Later, Eric asked me how many students I had. “Twenty”, I responded. He then gave me P20.00 and asked me to give each of my students a peso so they wouldn’t have to give up their food. They could just buy their siblings a snack. =) I was pleased. The next day, I did exactly what he told me to do and then I led my students in a prayer that God would bless Eric back for what he’d done for them.

Two days later, Eric was invited by our friends to go to the beach with them. I gave him P100.00 to pay for his expenses. When he came home that day, he excitedly told me that he had P200.00. “What?!? I told you to pay for your food! How come you have twice the money I gave you?” He explained that our friends paid for his expenses as their guest. And the last P100.00? He found it when he was digging in the sand.

That day, Eric saw first hand that when he gave to God (directly or through others), the Lord blessed him back ten times more than what he’d given. Try it. I'm sure you’d be as pleasantly surprised and shocked as he was. =) I'll be sharing more stories on giving in the weeks to come.

More Changes

Change – verb (used with object) to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one’s name; to change one’s opinion; to change the course of history.

A few years ago, while attending a revival meeting at Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship (TACF); the speaker encouraged us to offer our coins by throwing them on the floor. He was teaching on “change” and how suddenly or quickly the Lord brings it about. When the walkways were littered with coins, he organized us and got us to walk on them (in one direction) as a prophetic act. Change, symbolized by the coins, was going to be a part of our lives but we were not to be overcome by them. Instead, we’re to be on “top” of it. I wasn’t exactly sure how that would look as I lived it but because I’d never done that before nor since, I’d never forgotten it. Since then, I also began to choose to view changes in my life positively. The changes may not be easy nor pleasant but I choose not to complain, whine, nor fuss about it.

In a previous post (“Change”, posted on August 28, 2011), I wrote that a lot of us resist change and do not welcome it but it’s undoubtedly a part of our lives whether we want it or not. I said change was necessary. Papa God always wants to transform us so we can be holy just as He is holy. We must desire, or at least welcome, change, so we can be more like Him faster.

Yesterday, while my friend and I took our early morning walk, I saw a coin on the road. Immediately, because of my experience above, I said, “Oh look, change!” We walked by it but as I realized that I was just talking about what I wanted to happen with my situation, I thought it was prophetic that I all of a sudden found change. My friend was asking for my prayer request and as I was explaining it, I saw the coin. =) I saw that as the Lord’s way of encouraging me that indeed, change will come about. Yes! I then told her that I wanted to take a picture of it so we returned to the coin. After taking pictures of it, I took it and put it in my “Place to be Quiet” spot. Now, every time I see it, I can be reminded that change is coming. =)

I also know that I need to perceive incidents and my circumstances in new ways. I’ve always appreciated flowers but when I saw it through the eyes of my friend who took pictures of them, I understood the need to dig deeper and look more closely at whatever I’m dealing with. Sometimes, especially in arguments, it isn’t just always about the issue at hand. It is often far more complicated. My added prayer is that the change in me, will be, that I’ll understand what is going on beneath the surface of our situations. I’m grateful that the Holy Spirit has been prompting this. Thank you, Lord, for not leaving me alone but for helping me change.

And as I change, with the Lord’s instigation, He will forever be just as faithful, reliable, dependable, loveable, helpful, kind, glorious, and patient. He will, Himself, never change. He is the only constant. He is perfect. There is nothing in Him that needs changing. =) And that is still a comforting truth. Praise You, Lord!

60 Days Later

I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Psalm 146:2

My family finally joined me last Saturday. =) Considering that my love tank had been empty for awhile since no one had been around to give me lots of hugs and kisses, it truly touched me that as I pulled up in front of the airport to pick them up, my teen son opened the car’s door and before I was able to get off the car, he gave me a long, tight hug. He told me that he missed me and that he loved me. That warmed my heart real good but he also told me later that he truly missed me because he wanted to talk to me about his predicament with his friends while he was still in Toronto but he didn’t want to do it on Skype. That statement warmed my heart even more. =) My son and I had not always been on the best of terms so hearing that was like music to my ears. The Lord is so good to me.

Now, the house is suddenly messy in several places and the noise level increased several notches, BUT, I am glad they are home. It is good to have them back. I will miss my extended time of being responsible to no one and the freedom of just doing anything I wanted (sing, play the keyboard, sleep in, not sleep, not cook, not eat, eat oatmeal for supper or just fruit all day, leave the house, come home any time, etc., etc.). I will look back on this time of my life as nothing else but a gift. I thrived and enjoyed it. It was good to be on my own, enjoy the Lord, and the ways He protected, provided, looked after me, and loved me exceedingly and abundantly. The other day for example, I was out for a buffet meal with friends and we were surprisingly presented with roses by the hotel’s staff (they even knelt while giving the small bouquet to each of us). They also gave us chocolate bars and a gift each. When we asked why we were being blessed that way, they explained that it was because we were special. =) Some days, I thanked Papa God because I knew people around me were kind to me just because I belonged to Him. It shouldn’t have surprised me that we got treated that way but it’s always such a pleasure!

As our new normal begins with Eng and just our two younger sons back, plus the school year starting, I’d like to specifically thank the Lord for:

• The end of bug bites on my feet. There were 26 by the time it stopped! I literally walked around the house with a bug spray on my hand, sprayed invisible enemies where my feet normally were, when I stood or sat, and it worked!
• The way He became so real to me especially during Chris’ death (please see previous posts). He soothed, comforted, cradled, and powerfully ministered to me.
• The peace He gave daily. Sometimes, I even walked in the dark. I felt no fear.

• Helping me understand the creator side of Him. I started a “Place to be Quiet Project” just outside where our dining table was. I worked with flowers and plants which I placed around Eng’s water fountain. When I decided which plant got transferred to pots or when, or which got tossed out, I related with the Lord so much. To be surrounded by beauty is wonderful and creating/giving (?) life is so fulfilling. I’d cut off a stalk, soak it in water, and in a few days, there’d be roots growing from it. New life formed from the stalk and when I planted it, the potential for more beauty got started. What fun!
• Abiding in me. This became so crystal clear when a friend and I went out for coffee. I went to the washroom (toilet) and there at the door where it would typically have a figure with a skirt was the baffling sign “Abiding”. I don’t know why their sign displayed that. It just did and it definitely spoke to me.

And, of course, my best friend from Manila visited me for five days. I don’t think I’d ever be able to duplicate that. My online course ended so I had no responsibilities (to my family, work, nor school) and just had time to relax, enjoy, and have fun. It was such an amazing gift, all of it, 60 days of grace. Thank you, Lord! I love you, so much.