Awakening

In our hearts Lord, in this nation, awakening
Holy Spirit, we desire awakening
From the song “Awakening” by Chris Tomlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_J9BI6AFO0

This morning, I finally realized why the song above tugged at my heart both times when we sang it at worship. I first heard it (not for the first time) last Friday when I attended a worship meeting at school. When it played, I got a sense in my spirit about what the Holy Spirit seemed to be telling me but my mind still needed to play catch up. I had to wait to understand what He was saying. At our church’s service on Sunday, the same song was sung. Since the song above was quite new here in Chiang Mai and not very popular yet, and two different worship groups played it, it resonated even more within me. Yet, what was I to get out of it?

Since arriving here on October 3rd after three weeks in Toronto, I felt like I landed in a sprint. I spent the first four days buried deep in my textbooks, lectures, and handouts from my online course. I couldn't do any of my course work the first two weeks in Toronto because of my mother’s viewing and funeral, subsequent 9 days of prayer times with my family, and family meetings. On the last week, I purposely didn't do any of the work, choosing instead to have some quality time with my father. Although, I know I chose how to spend my time wisely, it nevertheless meant I had to catch up on 3 weeks’ worth of late online postings plus keep up with the homework on the week we were in. Typically, a week's workload is enough to keep me busy for hours. Four weeks’ worth of work in four days was just brutal! I hardly slept and subjected my body and mind to hard mental labor.

I stopped just to eat a Thanksgiving Dinner and was soon reading again about my course, the theology of the Old Testament. In the end, I finished my homework (Praise God!) but I was soon back to school and trying to make sense of what I used to do. Suffice it to say that with my mind so tired, thinking about how to teach Elementary ESL stretched me to the limit. I had to postpone eating lunch and meeting with anyone until I could have a handle on what I was doing. After a week of that, being organized and comfortable with teaching finally resurfaced today. I also began to eat at the lunch room again and met with a friend. I heard her stories and actually remembered them. =) When we prayed, the semblance of normal began to creep back in.

Finally, the certainty that the Holy Spirit had been drawing me to Himself became very clear. In the emotional three weeks there, and busyness and craziness in settling back here and doing my work, somehow, our intimacy was affected. I never stopped praying to Papa God but because I had no time to just be still to receive from Him, I was literally drying up from the inside. I haven’t had the inclination to worship the Lord using the keyboard and it’s been five weeks! I began to understand today, that as indicated by the song’s lyrics, my heart’s yearning was to be awakened. I wanted to be back in His arms receiving from Him. He’d been prompting it. And, there is no place I’d really rather be! Thank you, Lord, for calling me to yourself. Yes, please awaken me.

For You and You alone, awake my soul
Awake my soul, and sing
For the world You love, let Your will be done,
Let Your will be done in me.

2012 Thanksgiving

Last night, together with other Canucks, we gathered at a friend's house and enjoyed turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, ribs, mashed potatoes, pickles, marshmallow salad, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, peanut butter chocolate cake, and other delicious delights!

Eng is grateful for me being back here =), his sons, and his good health.

Eli, not in order of importance, is grateful for his friends, family, school, possessions, and his life.

Just before flying back here, it was good to spend some alone time with my father. We had a chance to visit the KEW Beach in Toronto and enjoyed the cool air.

Ethan is grateful for his friends, family, soccer, his Christian community, and school.

Where do I even start to thank?

While in Canada for three weeks, it was great to see our older sons Evan and Eric, my siblings and their families, my friends, gorgeous flowers, and the beginnings of the fall colours.

I particularly enjoyed the lakes and trees on the drive back from Alumette, Quebec to Toronto. I traveled on Highway 41 from Renfrew County to Kaladar, Ontario and the sights were just wonderful!

Canada is such a beautiful country! =) Thank you, Lord, for everything!

Exceedingly Good

Taste and see that the Lord is good!
Psalm 34:8

As I write this, I am on a return flight back to Chiang Mai. It’s been a very eventful and tiring three weeks. I’ve been crying a LOT. It makes sense to do so in light of my mother’s passing away. On the days following her death, I was grateful that she’d gone to heaven where her mind’s thinking clearly again and she’s with Papa God. I’d been praying for her healing for years. I know that the healing she received was way better than a physical one. However, during the funeral, watching my four brothers and two sisters cry, especially my father, was painful. Even in the last two weeks while staying at my father’s house, I heard my father sob and weep. All I could do was cry with him and pray with him when able. I’m glad that even though it was painful for me to be there, I was able to share his pain and help him grieve. We also had several discussions on the goodness of God and I know he was encouraged

Today, after I checked in, I had an almost two hour wait for my flight so I sought out a bank machine. On the way, I stopped by a washroom (restroom/toilet) and turned right instead of where I came from. Consequently, I saw the Chaplain’s Office which also had the Airport’s Prayer Room. Wanting to process and pray over things, I went in. Now I know my steps were directly guided there. My heart was then heavy as I spoke to Eric before I left the house and as I said goodbye, I asked him to forgive Eng and I for most likely missing his college’s closing ceremony next April. He said “yes” but it saddened me anyway. I would love to be there. Also, because they dropped me off at the airport, I just said “goodbye” to my father and Evan. This is the hard part about being a missionary.

In the Prayer Room, I prayed as I mindlessly flipped reading materials. Pat Di Fonzo, the chaplain there, then walked in. He saw me and commented on how sad I looked and asked if he could do anything for me. I asked him if he wanted to pray for me and we were soon talking. I shared with him the events of the last three weeks. The Lord used Pat to encourage me. He reminded me that the Holy Spirit was able to comfort my father and take care of his needs. He also encouraged me regarding my grief in leaving my loved ones here. He had me read Psalm 128:2 which was on a bookmark he gave me, “You will eat the fruit of your labour; blessings and prosperity will be yours.”

I knew the verse above but it didn’t really make it easier to leave. I only felt slightly better. And then he quoted Matthew 19:29 and it made me start to cry again. I actually was close to weeping by the time he started praying for me.

15 years ago, while pushing Eli (who was then 1-1/2 years old) on a stroller, a scary question crossed my mind. “Why was I (we) giving everything up?” There was nothing waiting for us in the Philippines. We just gave away most of our material things and sold our house and van. Eng quit his work and we (with 3 sons under 7 years old) were soon to leave for Manila. What were we doing? Some Filipinos sold their land to move to a more developed country. There we were, doing the opposite as we prepared to leave Toronto. I asked God to remind me why we were doing what we were doing. Eli had fallen asleep so I returned home from our walk and sat in the porch to watch him. I opened my Bible to read and was soon reading the passage that Pat quoted me. It became alive to me then, and now, it just makes me want to weep.

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

The Lord knew exactly what would minister to me. I was amazed! I thought I knew God but now I know I’d barely scratched the surface. He's not just a good God, He is exceedingly good. Thank you, Lord, for who you are! Praise you.

Being Sustained

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
Psalm 3:5

The past week is a blur to me, now, but I remember it being full of the Lord’s help and blessings. Following my mother’s funeral on Saturday, my sons (Evan and Eric) and I left to go to Ottawa very early the next day. I had not planned to drive us there but no public transit was available for Eric to return to his college in time for his week-end commitment. After we arrived, I remembered that it was my desire to bring him there. I’d forgotten because I gave up on its fulfilment since I had to return to Thailand to renew my visa in June. Of course, because of the perfect timing of my mother’s death, I was not just back here to attend her funeral, but also to do what I’d hoped to do for my son. Truly, Papa God gives us the desires of our hearts. It isn’t really hard for Him to do it even if we ourselves have given up on it! =) It blessed me to see where my son lived and to meet his housemates. He is in good hands. =D

Aside from that, after driving Eric, Evan and I proceeded to Alumette Island in Quebec to spend the night at my best friend’s house. This was recommended to me since 9 hours of driving (Toronto to Ottawa and back), after an emotional and tiring week, would have been difficult. I immediately realized it to be a brilliant idea! My friend lived in a picturesque, peaceful, and remote island so it was a perfect place for me to pray, process my mother’s death, listen to God, and REST. I was blessed with the solace I needed and the exercise as I also had a chance to use their canoe. =)

The rest of last week was spent being with my family as prayers for my mother were said nightly, ending just last night. It’s been super TIRING! I am just so glad that the Lord has been faithful to sustain me with new energy and strength each day. Not only has He been touching my body to function daily with very few hours of sleep but He’s also been giving me peace about my mother’s passing. I know her stroke caused bleeding in her brain which was accompanied by a severe headache. For the first time since she became ill with Alzheimer’s, she went through the door leading to the basement, entered it, and closed the door behind her. She then fell down the stairs and lost consciousness. When she was found, she was brought to the hospital but she never regained consciousness. Just over an hour later since her fall, with her loved ones all around her, she died peacefully and painlessly after final rites were prayed over her. The Lord’s grace was her fall and subsequent unconsciousness to immediately not feel much pain. I am grateful. The Lord is SO GOOD and she is whole and alive once again, with Him. Amen. =)

Death, where is your sting?
Grave where is your victory?
From the song “He’s Alive” by Cory Asbury and Laura Hackett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcvbLbD3X_Q

I Love My Husband

I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God grants,
I shall but love thee better after death!!
From the poem “How Do I Love Thee” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Since we’d been living overseas, I’d been returning to Toronto in the summers to look after my parents. In one of those times, I overheard my parents while I hung out in their room. My mother (then at the beginnings of her Alzheimer’s) said, “What am I going to do with my head? What if I can no longer remember you?” My father then said, “You can forget everything, just don’t forget me.”

Years later, as her sickness progressed, it became very apparent that she had forgotten most things and most people (including us, her children). At one of her neurologist’s check-up, she was asked the same questions from the years before: “Where are you? What day is it? What is the month? What city are you in? What is this (holding a pen)? What is it used for?” And for the last question, my mother motioned with her hand that it was for writing. The word “writing” wouldn’t come to her. The doctor then wrote the word “BLINK” on a piece of paper and asked her to do it. She did so.

As I watched, I was very relieved that she was able to do at least one thing correctly! Then, the doctor asked her to write a sentence. It seemed like we all held our breaths. My father, their caregiver, and I, waited to see what she wrote. Finally, she held out her paper to the doctor who asked her to read her work. She smiled and proudly said, “I love my husband.”

I treasured that memory in my heart. I actually cried while there. I understood the significance that although she had forgotten most things (including how to eat!), she remembered the most important thing to her: love. In their 50th Wedding Anniversary album she dedicated the poem above to my father. She said it best described her love for him. It was as if she knew she would die first. Had she kept living, they would have celebrated their 64th Wedding Anniversary on September 12th.

“Moments of Peace for the Morning” by Bethany House says that “if you love others, God – the source of love – lives in you. The more you practice His unfailing love, the more His presence is perfected in you. The blessing of love is twofold. Love others, and not only will your love grow, but God – the spring from which all love flows – will show Himself more powerfully within you.”

And that was what was evident in my mother; her love for God, my father, us - her children, grandchildren, flowers, music, cleanliness and order, their church, teaching, studying, etc.

So, although much can be said about her, I wrote of her love. She was next in line for EARIST’s (an institute of Science and Technology in Manila) presidency and she loved her job dearly but she quit it to be with us in Canada. She said she loved her family more. By then, she was the Vice President of the university and Dean of its Graduate School.

She also wrote of her thankfulness to God for His countless blessings and for being the giver of gifts and lives well lived. She desired for us to have the same happiness she had.

I never knew until she died, half of what she did and accomplished. She lived her life well. I will remember most of all how she swayed us as she had her arm around my shoulders while I played the piano. It was a joy to be with her as she sang with gusto to the music. Then, she kissed me, thanked me, and told me she loved me. Thank you, Lord, that you shared her with us. It is comforting to know that she is with you and basking in your love.

Liwayway (Lily) Nora Angeles (Nanay)
March 10, 1924 – September 9, 2012

May the Lord make your love for each other and for everyone else grow by leaps and bounds. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 CEV

The Departure Date

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.
Job 1:21b

“Do you understand what the song is about?” I asked Ethan as I drove us to school. We were just singing along to the song “Blessings” by Laura Story which had recently become his favorite. He’d complain to me whenever I played the CD over and over but never when that song was on. In response to my question, he said when bad things happen; they can actually be God’s blessings. I agreed with him and further added that at times when we pray and don’t get what we ask for, it's because God has something better in mind. That’s what He does and gives to us. Little did I know that just two hours later, I would find out some grave news which would make the song just uncannily perfect as a comforting reminder.

After arriving at school, our oldest son phoned and said my mother had fallen down the stairs and was in the hospital. She was not doing well with some bleeding in her brain. An hour later, another call came through saying she was in a coma. Following that by just five minutes, a final call informed us that she had just passed away.

The photo above was taken last year when my father turned 90 years old. My mother was then 87 years old.

Death is so very much a part of our lives but there is just no way to prepare for it. I had long told myself that living overseas as a missionary would most likely mean receiving a call such as the one I just took. Still, in spite the necessary expectation, the shock predominated. In just a few hours, I’ll be on a flight to go back to Toronto to be with my siblings and father. It hasn’t even been 12 hours since I found out.

Thank you for praying. Our family values it greatly. My father loved my mother very much (we all did!) and made sacrifices daily to take care of her. She’s had Alzheimer’s for at least 8 years and in all that time he never spent a day apart from her. He lived to care and pray for her. Please pray for him specifically as he deals with his loss and consider what his future plans will be.

I had a very busy week-end but I managed to get away for my monthly quiet time from Saturday afternoon to yesterday afternoon. I thought I needed that to pray and prepare my mind for my online course which started today. I knew I would be busy in the weeks ahead and needed to be rooted in the Lord. I was just sharing at a meeting that my times away were what kept me sane and not burned out from all I’ve been through in the last few years. I had friends I always shared and prayed with. Yet, it was my times with Papa God that sustained me. It wasn't so much my pouring out my heart and woes to Him that helped me. It was His pouring His love and affirmation in me that truly ministered and satisfied my soul. And it was coming out of that connectedness with Him that I received the news today. The timing couldn’t have been any better. First, He loved on me, then the news. He knows that coming out of our time together, I would feel that I can handle and do anything! So yes, I am grieving, but, I am so grateful for my Lord who loves me and helps me.

Today, I just felt so ministered to by those around me. I was hugged, prayed for, loved, fed, listened to, considered, helped, and asked to leave so I could do what I needed to do. I was awed. We serve a great, big God. What won’t He do for us? I even received a sympathy card with a butterfly on it. Yes, Lord, I see! Thank you! Please see previous post, “Transformed”, for more information. I just love the Lord and His ways!

I’m ending with an inspirational thought with the title above. It's from Max Lucado’s book “Grace for the Moment vol. II” for September 9th, the date my mother died. A friend handed the book to me just as I was leaving the school. =)

You, as all God’s children, live one final breath from your own funeral.
The day you die is better than the day you are born. (Eccles. 7:1 NLT)
Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward reaction to funerals. Angels watch body burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. They can’t wait to see the new arrival. We don’t grieve when babies enter the world. The hosts of heaven don’t weep when we leave it.

Transformed

Through You, I can do anything
I can do all things, ‘cause it’s You who gives me strength
Nothing is impossible
From the song “Nothing is Impossible” by Planetshakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGYAkjPukOo

Thursday nights and early Sunday mornings are the times when we practice as a worship team before playing during the service. Usually, the list of songs is emailed by Tuesday so we can individually practice with our instruments ahead of time. Due to computer problems, I only found out what we were playing on the way to church on Thursday. I play by ear so I have to be familiar with a song to have an idea how to play it. There was no time for me to practice, let alone hear (thru YouTube) how a new song played. Thankfully, my singer friend repeatedly sang the unfamiliar song to me as I drove us.

I sounded awful when we practiced together. I knew I had to practice some more on my own, and did! Unfortunately, trying to practice without playing the melody – which was how my right hand knew how to naturally play(!) – wasn’t easy. I tried to play using the chord variations but it didn’t sound right. Worse of all, I couldn’t worship because I was trying to figure out how to play!

On Sunday, as we finished practicing before the service, our team leader told me I should just play the chord and hold it down. I wasn’t to allow my fingers to go up and down the keys (playing arpeggio). I asked if he meant for just the intro of the songs but he said for each chord I played. Immediately, I knew I had to re-learn a new way of playing and just minutes before the service started! Playing the melody was what I naturally did. Playing arpeggio was how I naturally played! When I prayed before the service started, I knew I needed a LOT of help! I knew I could play as he asked but it was no longer anywhere near how I liked to play and it certainly wasn’t as fun. Most of all, I was disturbed because I knew I had to pay attention to the new way I was supposed to play and would have an even harder time worshipping! Still, I was determined to obey. When we started, I tried as best I could to play as he asked.

I don’t think I succeeded the whole time but I knew I tried as well as I could, in the time I was given to get used to playing that way (which was none). I surprised myself that I worshipped anyway. In my heart, the Lord deserved it regardless that I thought I didn’t sound right nor good. And that’s when the butterfly flew in the sanctuary. We were singing the lines above and it started to fly towards us in the front. It fluttered here and there just in front of the stage and I thought I imagined it. I didn’t! I smiled broadly when one child loudly said, “Look, a butterfly!”

The last time I was mesmerized by a flying butterfly was six years ago as the school’s principal asked me to consider teaching first grade for a semester. As I listened to her, the custodian opened the door of the classroom we were in and in flew the butterfly with him. I stopped hearing her because my mind was completely baffled that a butterfly would fly inside that second floor room, at that perfect time, as a new direction in my life was being offered to me. And it happened again in the sanctuary. In both places, I’d not seen any butterfly fly in before, nor after. Those times were firsts!

Almost 20 years ago, I received a prophetic word and I was likened to a butterfly. I remember because I wrote down what she said and kept it. Since then, butterflies in general, and butterfly sightings in particular, fascinated me. They’d flutter by me and one even landed on my finger! One came from a nearby island, danced this way and that, and then flew back the way it came. I was sitting by the edge of the water on the beach and saw the whole thing. I was trying to write on my journal what I was hearing from God and there it was. =) The Lord’s delight in flying form!

I know that I was like a caterpillar transformed into a butterfly. The Lord changed me, taught me, and helped me to be a new person. He brings about changes like being able to play the keyboard at church and then exaggerates the point by flying in a real one. He is so amazing!

And, as I sat there listening to the preaching, all of a sudden, the pastor said, “It doesn’t matter that our musicians cannot play well so long as they can take us to the presence of God.” I might have wondered if I really heard that but Eng was then pressing my hand and making sure I knew it was a word for me. I don’t know what else to say. We have an amazingly fascinating God. There is no end to His surprises!

I’m not gonna live by what I see
I’m not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You’re here with me
And I know that You can do anything!