Grief in Waves

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9, KJV

While on my morning walk, yesterday, I suddenly remembered my mother before she had her Alzheimer’s. It was just after I thought to myself that I didn’t want to be overweight (especially my stomach!). I realized that if I were to be honest with myself, I actually walked early in the morning because I enjoyed the morning air, I liked the sounds of the birds’ chirping, I cherished the time when I talked to God, and I believed that the walk helped me not to gain weight (and that’s not in the order of importance). [As I write that, I just want to state that I love my non-thin friends! Some of my much appreciated friends are not slim. I, personally, just prefer to be my size - less heavier is even better.] Knowing that, I understood for the first time that my mother shared the desire ‘not to be obese’ with me. All of a sudden, I remembered how periodically while standing, she repeatedly twisted her stomach left and right very quickly. Her elbows were tucked to her sides and would move in the opposite direction of her twisting. Occasionally, she also bent over and touched her toes. Not known for being active except when she did those activities, she used to catch my attention! I never asked her why she exercised. I suppose it was obvious to me that she wanted to lose her stomach flab. She had a mound for a belly and I teased her that she looked like she was 3 months pregnant. Actually, my officemate who is now 5 months pregnant has a belly that looked like hers, then. Really! Now that I’m around the same age as my mother, then, I wish I wasn’t so insensitive. I never connected it that what probably motivated her to exercise was partly because of how I teased her. Actually, kids do not often know how to withhold truth when it hurts or when it is embarrassing to hear it. I was obviously that kind of kid. Realizing that reality while I walked, I immediately felt sorrow. I grieved for my mother who related with me and knew me. Because she'd forgotten me in the last 2 years of her life, and was no longer the same years before that, I had to go back in my memories. I also grieved for my sins. I was so sorry for being that critical way.

Then, I remembered the verse above and asked God to forgive me. I also received His forgiveness. At first, I didn’t feel forgiven but I knew that it wasn’t about how I felt. I had to just accept it for what it was; His remarkable gift of grace in the forgiveness. As I continued to mourn my being unkind to my mother, the Lord made me realize that my mother didn’t take my teasing her, against me. She loved me, anyway. Somehow, even when I asked the Lord to please tell her that I was sorry, I knew it wasn’t necessary. I was loved by my mother and there was nothing to forgive. The Lord, also, loved me in spite the way I was.

And most of all, I understood that my remembrance of my mother was the Lord’s way of helping me process her death. (My mother passed away on September 9, 2012. The postings from September 4-28, 2012 were mostly about her.) More importantly, He wanted me to deal with my sins so that it wouldn’t come in between us. He wanted me to remember so I could ask for forgiveness and find resolution in Him. The verse below became very apt and now I know that I need to continually work out my salvation. I am game for that. May the next wave, come.

In repentance and rest is your salvation

Isaiah 30:15