The Grace to Speak

I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never, forsake me in my weaknesses.
Kari Jobe from the song “You Are for Me”

This morning, I woke up just after six to get ready for the day. I remembered feeling completely inadequate as I contemplated what I had to do later on. A few years ago, I had the difficult task of sharing the news from the front of the church that one of our friends drowned the day before. As I gripped the sides of the podium then and thought of the best way to deliver the grim news, I just knew without a doubt that I was going to be sharing a LOT more from where I was. That was over 14 years ago but the fact that I knew then that I would share from the front didn’t make the task easier to think about. I still wondered if I heard the Lord right in what I intended to say. I prayed some more then later got up and played a few songs on the piano. The song above ministered to me as I prepared for my sharing so I fingered it and played it a few times also. I hung on to the words and willed myself to believe it to be true. Satisfied, I went upstairs to wake up our two sons. I reminded them that I was sharing and asked them three times to please get ready. Then, I showered and got ready myself. [Eng’s been away to renew his visa and work in Chiang Mai for the last two weeks. He was grateful that while there, he managed to do a side trip to Ipoh to visit his mom and ailing brother.]

Half an hour later, I poked my head out of our bedroom door and announced that we needed to leave in five minutes. I saw one of my sons with nothing on but his boxers and the water on his wet hair. I shook my head as I calculated that he probably needed longer than the remaining time we had to put clothes on and dry his hair. Still, I told myself to relax. He had five minutes. He’d be ready in that time, or so I hoped!

A little later, I came out of our room and declared that we had to leave. As I rounded the banister to head downstairs, I saw our other son also in his boxers and the t-shirt he slept in! He just got up from bed and looked surprised that he heard what he did. At this point, my stress level completely peaked as I took in the situation. We had to be at church where I was to speak and the service was starting in twenty minutes. The drive took at least half that time and I still needed to turn in a file that I was going to use for the talk. Meanwhile, our other son was dressed but looked like he was still looking for something. I don’t know what you would have done but I started yelling. Eventually, we all headed to the van. My tardy son hurriedly got in on his bare feet with his socks, shoes, and jacket all tucked under his arms.

I’ll spare the details of the lecture delivered in my sternest voice as I drove us speedily to church. I was stressed and upset and it was the last thing I wanted to feel before I shared. Worst of all, I was praying for the Lord to minister through me and yet I was definitely not the person to receive ministry from! Feeling completely defeated and dismayed, I knew that I was toast. I stopped my ranting and turned on the CD player full blast as I realized that the same song above was playing as I pulled in to park the van the day before. I wanted to have a better frame of mind and I was hoping the song’s words and the loud volume would blast my stress and anger away.

Strangely enough, the words penetrated my soul and warmed its steaming heart. In spite what I was: physically exhausted, sleepy, hugely stressed, angry, and feeling totally undeserving, my Lord was for me. I saw my weakness in its raw, ugly form and was glad that although I was such, the Lord was not going to forsake me. I didn’t know how I was going to deliver the message but I was sure He was going to be there for me.

It’s a blur now, how the morning went, but the sharing happened by the grace of God. As I walked back to my seat, I felt glad and relieved. Our two sons gave me the “thumbs up” as I passed them. Thank you, Lord, for being there for me.