A Year Later

But God said to him, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded

from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?"

Luke 12:20

Exactly a year ago, my mother fell down the basement stairs of their house after having a stroke. Because of her typical low tolerance to pain, I was glad that she lost consciousness because of that fall. An hour and a half later, she passed away surrounded by my father and all my siblings in Toronto. She lingered just long enough to receive the priest's last rites. As soon as the prayer was finished, she breathed her last.  

My mother loved flowers especially the red ones like this.

I had a half hour to process that she had fallen and was in a serious state before another call came through informing me that she was gone. Shocked at the tragic news, I went about the rest of that morning literally in a daze. I went to our two sons in the school to tell them that my mother died. I didn't want them to find out any other way than from me. Somehow in that unbelievable morning, I called Eng to share the news. The next time he talked to me, he told me that I had a flight to Toronto late that night. I went home to pack and was soon with my father, a mere day and a half after my mother passed away. We rallied together to deal with the wake, visitations, memorial, funeral, and, our collective loss. To read those stories, please look at: “The Departure Date, I Love My Husband, and Being Sustained” which are postings from September 10-24, 2012.

Soon after that, we lived life without her. Understandably, my father was distraught. My heart broke more when I saw his grief than over my mother's dying. I loved my mother but with her having Alzheimer's for over eight years, my grieving over losing her had started long before she physically left us. In the end, she mostly just sat: expressionless, joyless, in her own little world. The only way I could reach her then was when I played her favorite songs on the piano. Her foot tapped to the beat and on a good day, she nodded her head to the music, too. Otherwise, she only looked like my mother but she stopped being truly her so long ago.

As for us siblings, relational differences brought about by various reasons became exacerbated with the distribution of properties that my parents owned. It didn't take long before grievances from years past started to re-surface. Soon, some of us weren't talking to each other. The worst happened when a heated discussion between two of my siblings transpired right in front of my father. He was deeply saddened by the state of our relationships and wisely decided to meet with us.

He expressed his unhappiness over the broken relationships in the family and encouraged all of us to openly share our grievances. He implored on us not to give in to envy. He narrated the "Parable of the Rich Fool "to help us not to focus on what we can't take with us when we die. And finally, he declared that if it mattered to us that he was our father, he wanted us to choose to reconcile no matter how long it took each of us. He reminded us of how when we were kids, our mother would give us a choice of stopping our argument and making up, or getting spanked. We very quickly chose the former with a kiss and a hug. After all, no one wanted to be spanked then! That threat to a spanking disappeared long ago but the meeting ended with kisses and hugs all around. I unfortunately had to go to work and ended our Skype call. I missed the best part, seeing middle aged adults (our youngest sibling just turned 50) kissing and hugging one another. =)

My mother would have been proud. Even a year after her death, what she used to do with us worked to bring harmony back into our family. What a blessing to have her be a part of our lives. Thank you, Papa God, for allowing it. We praise you for her and for
our reconciliation.

Grief in Waves

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9, KJV

While on my morning walk, yesterday, I suddenly remembered my mother before she had her Alzheimer’s. It was just after I thought to myself that I didn’t want to be overweight (especially my stomach!). I realized that if I were to be honest with myself, I actually walked early in the morning because I enjoyed the morning air, I liked the sounds of the birds’ chirping, I cherished the time when I talked to God, and I believed that the walk helped me not to gain weight (and that’s not in the order of importance). [As I write that, I just want to state that I love my non-thin friends! Some of my much appreciated friends are not slim. I, personally, just prefer to be my size - less heavier is even better.] Knowing that, I understood for the first time that my mother shared the desire ‘not to be obese’ with me. All of a sudden, I remembered how periodically while standing, she repeatedly twisted her stomach left and right very quickly. Her elbows were tucked to her sides and would move in the opposite direction of her twisting. Occasionally, she also bent over and touched her toes. Not known for being active except when she did those activities, she used to catch my attention! I never asked her why she exercised. I suppose it was obvious to me that she wanted to lose her stomach flab. She had a mound for a belly and I teased her that she looked like she was 3 months pregnant. Actually, my officemate who is now 5 months pregnant has a belly that looked like hers, then. Really! Now that I’m around the same age as my mother, then, I wish I wasn’t so insensitive. I never connected it that what probably motivated her to exercise was partly because of how I teased her. Actually, kids do not often know how to withhold truth when it hurts or when it is embarrassing to hear it. I was obviously that kind of kid. Realizing that reality while I walked, I immediately felt sorrow. I grieved for my mother who related with me and knew me. Because she'd forgotten me in the last 2 years of her life, and was no longer the same years before that, I had to go back in my memories. I also grieved for my sins. I was so sorry for being that critical way.

Then, I remembered the verse above and asked God to forgive me. I also received His forgiveness. At first, I didn’t feel forgiven but I knew that it wasn’t about how I felt. I had to just accept it for what it was; His remarkable gift of grace in the forgiveness. As I continued to mourn my being unkind to my mother, the Lord made me realize that my mother didn’t take my teasing her, against me. She loved me, anyway. Somehow, even when I asked the Lord to please tell her that I was sorry, I knew it wasn’t necessary. I was loved by my mother and there was nothing to forgive. The Lord, also, loved me in spite the way I was.

And most of all, I understood that my remembrance of my mother was the Lord’s way of helping me process her death. (My mother passed away on September 9, 2012. The postings from September 4-28, 2012 were mostly about her.) More importantly, He wanted me to deal with my sins so that it wouldn’t come in between us. He wanted me to remember so I could ask for forgiveness and find resolution in Him. The verse below became very apt and now I know that I need to continually work out my salvation. I am game for that. May the next wave, come.

In repentance and rest is your salvation

Isaiah 30:15