Loving Better

Once again, being here in Toronto with my parents has taught me more about myself. The other day, I was taking a nap on the couch when my mother walked by to close the door by me. It was a hot day so the fan was on and as she got in between the fan and I, I caught a whiff of excretion. She must have gone to the bathroom again and failed to wipe or wash herself well. Since arriving here 3 weeks ago, I’ve been saddened by the fact that my mother’s Alzheimer’s has caused her to forget how to use the washroom properly. Many a times have I gone in to use their bathroom and found it in different and unusual states. Repulsed, I would reluctantly disinfect and wash all around their toilet. I’m just grateful that she still makes it to the toilet in time, most of the time. I’ve been told that she sometimes would not get there soon enough. At any rate, since I was tired and wanted to nap, I didn’t get up to inspect her as to why she smelled. As she passed, I pretended to be asleep. How often she passed back and forth, I do not know. (It’s normal for her to do this, walking back and forth.) Soon, I was half asleep, barely aware of where or what she was doing. Imagine my surprise when all of a sudden, I felt her hand caressing my face and moving my hair off my face! She was saying words that sounded tender and loving. At this point in her illness, my mother would sometimes speak none sensibly. Different words would be spoken but every now and then, they would not make any sense. The words are strung together confusingly. I wish I could say that I received her loving action and responded accordingly, or gratefully. Instead, I recoiled at her touch, remembering what I smelled moments earlier. The grace is that the smell didn’t come from her hand. My disgust this time was at myself for making the smell matter more than her gesture. I received what she did to me but moments late. If only I didn’t make such a fuss about the smell. I then realized that my kind of loving has a lot to be desired. Where filth is evident, I need to learn to love and receive love anyway. The Lord has done far more for me as I wallowed in my filth. Why can’t I? My prayer is that I’ll love better.

As for Eric, he’s received 3 radiation treatments now and says he feels a slight tingling on his nose during the treatment but nothing else. Thank you for praying!