Desperate

And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m lost without you

From the song “Breathe” by Marie Barnett

It occurred to me that realistically at different times in our lives, we are alone even when we’re not. I, for example, can have a job at a big school (such as I have), live in a city, be in a house with family, and yet inadvertently find myself (emotionally) alone (as in being disconnected). It cannot be helped. Sometimes, your spouse is distracted, your friends are busy or gone (on trips, home assignments, or for good), your teens are out, and your other son is at a sleep over, and then you are also literally alone. I’ve been finding this to be my reality more and more in the last few weeks. It isn’t deliberate. I really don’t think those around me are having a conspiracy so that I am dealing with my being emotionally on my own. I believe the Lord is allowing and allowed me to go through this time to realize one thing.

I can go through self pity (which I did), I can whine (done this too), I can fret, be aloof, or simply be unhappy (check, check, check). Eventually (and thankfully!), I got tired of all those reactions. I learned to choose how to respond and did so accordingly. AAAHH and I felt a lot better. Through all those reactions (good and bad), I had one constant, Papa God. He never tired of me, never complained, just stuck with me and loved and encouraged me through all of it. He still does.

One night, we were just hanging out and it dawned on me, what if He turned His back on me? What if He left? Who would I turn to? Who would be there for me as He had been? Where would I go? Where can I go? For several moments, I was desperate. I would get desperate even now just thinking about it. I’m lost without Him. I’m so glad it’ll never happen that He’ll leave nor forsake me.

Nowhere, no one, could satisfy as He does.