Knowing Myself

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
From the song "He Knows My Name" by Tommy Walker

Sounding very surprised, my closest friend of almost 20 years said, “You’re SO BEAUTIFUL!” Her eyes displayed the same reaction as her incredulous sounding voice. I just came back from a morning walk in their lakefront and it was chilly so I imagine that my cheeks were rosy and my face glowing. I also felt great after spending some time praying during the walk. It was good to be there. My other friend and I were visiting her and she lived on the island of Allumette in Quebec. To me, their house was an almost perfect home (it just didn’t have a piano) with lots of light and windows. Not only was I enjoying where I was but I loved who I was with. I liked my friends and I was so grateful to be there with them.

My response didn’t surprise me but the confidence in my voice did. When I answered her, I meant my every word and I sounded like it, too. I wasn’t being proud. I’ve heard the same line from other people before. It wasn’t anything new. I now know that the Lord must have prompted other people to say it to me so that I’d be given a chance to believe it. He also wanted me to heal and truly know who He made me to be.

When I was still small enough to be in a crib, a relative looked at me and said where my older sister was in beauty, I was at the opposite scale in ugliness. Bad angels did a great job reminding me of what was said because I grew up believing I WAS ugly. As a girl, my mother’s friends would compliment me for my looks but I’d be hiding behind her wondering why they were lying. Not only did I internalize that I was unattractive and ugly, I also equated flattery as a way to get people to do things for you. Every time someone said I was beautiful, my mind began to figure out what the person wanted from me.

In Spanish, my name means beautiful. At an early age, my identity was already stolen from me. By the time I was 9 years old, my sister suggested that I only use my nickname, “Dee” because she reasoned that it was more unique than Linda. Had people used my real name, I might have at least entertained the idea that I was beautiful - since that’s what the name means. Instead, I grew up believing a lie and it affected how I saw myself. I didn’t believe, for example, that anyone would want to marry me, nor choose me to dance with at parties.

The Lord took pity on me. I became a believer and as I was worshipping one day, at age 32, the Lord told me that I could use Linda again. By that time, no one even knew what my real name was! Everyone knew me as Dee but I began to inform them all of the new name they should call me. I did it because when I prayed and sought answers, I found out what my name meant and the Lord allowed me to hear the words spoken over my crib as a baby. I realized that my name meant beautiful but it was the last thing I believed about myself! I couldn’t even accept that anyone would find me attractive.

The last 18 years of my life were used by Papa God to teach me who I was in Him. This is why I thought to tell this story. The Lord transforms, heals, and reveals to us how He sees us. There are many aspects of myself that need further work but as to who I am and my identity in Him, I’ve become confident. Of this I am sure: He loves me and is so proud of me (and by the way, He feels this way for you, too!). Lastly, I am beautiful. That is how He made me.

So, when my friend told me I was SO BEAUTIFUL, I said, “I know, the Lord made me that way.” Thank you, Lord, for restoring what was stolen from me, for revealing who I am in you, and for transforming me. I know for anyone who reads this, you are doing the exact same thing. Amen to that!