Sunday, July 10, 2011

Home

Even in laughter the heart may ache…
Proverbs 14:13a

My family and I arrived here in Toronto last Sunday. I should probably feel great about being home but that’s not how I feel. I’ve actually been blessed to come here for a few weeks every year for the last three years. That was intentional so I could help take care of my mother who has Alzheimer’s and visit her, Evan, and my father. After each of those visits here, I’d returned to Chiang Mai, where “home” was. Being here this time is different because we’ll live here on Home Assignment for one year. Another family now lives in the house we rent in Chiang Mai. We are supposed to be “home” now. Somehow, it just doesn’t feel like it yet. I actually feel lost and disoriented.

Maybe it’s just because of how we spent the first few moments since arriving. Instead of a sibling, we were greeted at the airport by friends who used to live in Chiang Mai. Then we immediately joined the rest of the Home Assignees for supper. Two of the assignees were co-workers in Chiang Mai too (!), and a third one visited me there. Maybe that’s why it’s felt so extra strange. Four friends that we used to work with in Chiang Mai are here with us but we’re in a different place, we’re not in our usual context. Since arriving that night, we’ve been attending meetings pertaining to being back in Canada from morning until around 9 p.m. Our sessions end today, Friday, at noon. Thankfully, Evan was able to join us for that Sunday night’s meal. It was good to see him and the rest of our sons catching up with him. Ethan was literally all over him. We had to ask Ethan to get off Evan as Ethan was sitting on his shoulders while they were watching TV! =)

Maybe being “home” feels strange because we had no money until Eng got some yesterday. We tried to use our bank card but none of the passwords we used worked. Only later did I realize that we used an old card and not the current correct one.

Maybe it’s strange because we’re staying at a guest house instead of at my parents where I normally would be as soon as I get here. For various reasons, it’s not feeling quite right.

For the month of July, we are staying on the second floor of this building, at the apartment on the left (the one with the open window).

They say, “Home is where the heart is.” I guess the bottom line is, my body is here but my heart has yet to join me. I noticed that during times of interaction this week, I wasn’t quite ready to engage with people yet. I’m not ready to make new friends. Perhaps after I properly grieve the ones I lost in Chiang Mai, I’ll be more intentional.

We also still don’t know how our days will look so everything about being here has the strange feel to it. After all the meetings this week, what then? Our sons need to be registered at their schools. I need to upgrade my educational requirement so I can keep teaching ESL in Chiang Mai. Eng wants to learn Mandarin and most importantly, we have to meet with our supporters and share about our work in Chiang Mai. We should also mobilize and encourage others to be involved in missions.

In our session this morning, we were asked, “Will you endure your time here until you truly go home? Are you feeling a sense of truly belonging elsewhere? Is there an ache to come home?”

I’d have to answer with, “No, I won’t endure my time here. I aim to thrive in it with God’s help. No, I honestly don’t feel like I belong in Chiang Mai even though that’s where home’s been for the last seven years. I was back in the Philippines in April this year but I didn’t feel like belonging there either. The term “nowhereian” suits me just fine but I do feel the ache to come home.”

We sang a song with the line “Come and fill your lambs” so I asked God to fill me. Next thing I knew, I was crying. Yes, it’s the infilling and the presence of Papa God that soothes and relieves the ache to come home. Heaven, where I will always be with God, is home. Thankfully, some day, I’ll be there.

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